never in my life did i think i could plan a due date of my life.
i hate it that whenever i get upset, my brain always goes back to death and hurting myself.
ive been self harm clean for about 3 or 4 years now, and i'm proud.
that doesn't change the fact that my brain tells me to kill myself.
i know i wouldn't do it if not for the fact that theres a chance my family member might leave us.
hes very dear to me and i dont think i could live with myself if i wasn't able to help him or convince him to stay.
he also wants to kill himself.
whenever he gets upset, i get scared he will actually do it this time.
he sure does scream about how he will.
and if i knew where my dad hid the gun, i would too.
i had a plan in mind, but i think what i need to do is channel it into making this website.i know, "Kimiko! why tf would you place your life on whether or not you write for your website?"
dont question the brain, pretty please
trying to be silly to distract from all of this sad talk.
but i feel like i cant vent to him, as he gets really upset whenever im upset. i dont want to vent to my mother, and especially not my father, (he hates crying, i cry a lot.) and my other brother? im not close enough to him to be able to be honest to him.
so i want to treat this website as a way to have an outlet.
god, i thank writing it out because now im not crying. im feeling a little better.
i haven't heard a scream in a while, maybe ill eat something my dad brought home.
god knows i haven't eaten enough today.
back to schoolwork i guess?
baibaiiii