currently in class rn. 11:14am. i went on X, right? normal. its sad that general mental illness is a very common thing on jiraitwt, in a way that i constantly get EDTWT stuff on my timeline.
yes, 'Kimiko! if you dont want to see it, dont click it!'
easier said than done when your brain is in an unhappy state.
i feel like im massive, i feel like people stare at me and think im gross.
i can barely eat in public because im worried people will find me disgusting, like: 'omg! look at that fatass eating junk!'
ive lost weight, though. im not eating disordered in the restrictive way. im disordered in that i eat too much. though, sometimes my own mum has me eat more because i end up eating like one bowl of popcorn in 7 hours. (speaking from experience)
but i dont like my weight. i hate my weight, and hate myself. i always have.
i dont even have a main personality when showcasing myself, im a bunch of different people's ideals and motivations forced into the shape of myself. i cant help it. ive always been this way.
i always changed myself, because as an autistic girl who hadn't been diagnosed until way too late, i would change myself to look desirable to people irl and online.
my thought of myself changes daily. one day, i love myself. next day, i wish i were dead and am actively planning it. some days, i look fucking amazing. next day, i want plastic surgery.
a song ive always related to was Candle Queen, as i always felt like her ever since listening to that song. i know myself, deep inside, as a Candle Queen.
im severely mentally ill and im so fucking sick and tired of it. had to get something scrubbed off of my medical record because we're not favorably taken by the current administration. we're taken as violent and perpetrators of mass shootings. we're not dangerous for having our illness. a small percent of us do violent crimes, its the drug addicts who up the crime rate for our illness. we're more likely to be victims than perpetrators.
im sick of taking 8 pills a day and a shot per week. im sick of it.
why do i need so many more supports than the rest? psych ward, meds, psych ward, more meds, therapy, meds, pity, meds...
thats why i tell no one of my illnesses. if i did, id be outcast. most i tell people now is that i take medication and have autism. thats it. if i told them about my other disorders? instant outcast, just like in high school.
how dare someone want to tell their friends about how they are and WHO they are, you end up being bullied and yelled at daily at school. i love college, no one gives a fuck about you, you can just blend in.
im sorry for the rant, im not feeling great right now. class ends soon, 17 mins